They Want to Poke a Hole in My Brain

Doesn’t sound quite so bad when I put it that way… but all joking aside, I was informed at my neurology appointment last Monday that I needed brain surgery. I know what you’re thinking… how can I even possibly consider joking about brain surgery, that is definitely not a joking matter. Well, I have to at least try and find a tiny bit of humor in order to not freak out every time I think about it. I don’t really find the jokes funny but it helps make talking about it a little easier.

Brain surgery… wow…

Never did I imagine I would be facing brain surgery. I went to the doctor a few months ago about a constant migraine and suddenly I’m being told I need surgery. It has been difficult to accept, I really don’t think I have completely accepted the news just yet.

I am terrified of surgery, I always have been. Some people are terrified of clowns or of heights or even of needles, I’m terrified of surgery. I have full blown panic attacks. Having my surgery back in February to remove the tumor was difficult for me, I freaked out and had a panic attack and it took forever for me to be okay with having a surgery where they would cut a hole in my chest. Now they want to poke a hole in my brain!

As some of you may remember, I have been dealing with a terrible headache/migraine for months now and finally went to see my doctor about the problem. I thought it was just a terrible migraine that wouldn’t go away, except for the fact that the pain was much worse. My doctor was concerned and sent me for an MRI to check for possible brain tumor and Arnold-Chiari.

My MRI showed that I have Cavum Septum Pellucidum and within that area I have an arachnoid cyst. When I went to see my neurologist he informed me that my Cavum Septum Pellucidum was one of the largest he has ever seen and that I have way too much fluid putting pressure on my brain. He checked my eyes, did a few quick little tests and informed me that surgery was needed. He actually sent me right away to have my eyes checked, if there was pressure on my eyes then surgery would be immediate. Luckily, my eyes are okay. But surgery is still a must and I’m pretty darn terrified.

I don’t really know many details yet, I’ll have an appointment soon to sit down and discuss everything with my doctor. This is when he’ll inform me of what exactly he is doing, I’ll get to ask all my twenty million questions, plus I’ll go through all the pre-op tests. What I do remember from my appointment was that there are two options… and I don’t have all the clear details due to being pretty forgetful right now so just bare with me. One was that he goes in and drains the extra fluid to relieve pressure. The second option was something about putting in a shunt. I’m not super thrilled with either and really wish I knew what exactly he plans to do.

All of the problems I have been having lately… the nonstop horrible headaches, being lightheaded and dizzy, stumbling over my words and sometimes unable to form a sentence, feeling faint, poor hand-eye coordination, unable to judge distances well anymore, yeah it’s all connected. Even a few things like lack of energy and being so irritable are possibly linked to all of this.

My surgery is September 20th… one month from today, my appointment to talk to my doctor will be about two weeks before that. For now all I can really do is try not to think about it too much, not look up too much on the internet and freak myself out more, and start planning. I have so much to plan and have ready for when I have surgery.

So I hope this kinda helps explain where I’ve been all summer. I didn’t abandon my blog but for most days, I was in too much pain to do much blogging (or any work on the computer). I have notebooks filled with thoughts, I even recorded a few thoughts on my phone. I’ve missed blogging, I’ve missed sharing fun times as well as little bits of every day life. I’ve missed it all. Due to my laptop biting the dust (finally… it held on for so very long), my computer time is even more limited because I’m unable to sit at my desk for long.

I’ve been especially quiet this past week because I haven’t felt well and I’ve been trying to accept the news of brain surgery. It has not been easy news to accept and not much is helping to ease my fears right now. Keeping myself super busy with Abby, taking care of the house and reading helps keep me from thinking too much about it right now.

I do feel like this surgery is going to change the way I look at things. Actually, it already has. I feel like big changes are on the way as I put things into perspective and open my eyes to what is really important and what I’ve wasted time being distracted with. I’ve attempted in the past to take a step back, re-evaluate my life and make changes yet I always managed to fall back into the same ole routine. This time, I feel like it’s time for a change and this time, I’ll stick with it. I’m going to start living life instead of just being here.

For now, I prepare for surgery. I need to do so much in a month’s time, number one thing is try to get this house cleaned up. Oh… and try to keep myself from freaking out too much 🙂

Have You Had Brain Surgery?

**I would love to find someone (or even several someones) who has gone through brain surgery to talk to. Sure, I talk to my friends and family every day but it would be nice to talk to someone who has gone through the surgery. You know, “been there, done that”. I know I don’t currently know what type of brain surgery I’m facing but just talking to people would probably help with me freaking out so much. I also think that having my “discussion” doctor appointment soon would be much more helpful than waiting for two weeks. Having more information right now would definitely help, with so much unknown it just allows me even more areas to panic over.