Things have been pretty quiet lately and I’ve been away from my computer for several weeks now. I almost feel like I’ve gone into hiding or hibernated for the winter. I guess the easiest way to put it is that I needed a break… a much needed break. I’ve been extremely sick, stressed and just overwhelmed with life the past couple of months. I’m still dealing with health issues and possibly brain surgery, Abby and I both managed to get sick right in time for Christmas and I just haven’t had the energy to turn on the computer most days. Perhaps the winter blues? Depression? Or maybe just everything finally taking a toll on me. I’ve come up with a few blog posts here and there, jotted them down on paper or recorded them to my phone but I just never could get motivated enough to type everything out.
I actually had to take a step back and really look at the big picture for once. With so much going on in life, I had to wonder if I was doing what I really wanted to. Was my life going in the direction I had hoped it would be. Well, not really but most of that was beyond my control. The areas I could control, well those weren’t really what I was wanting either… not anymore anyways. What have I been doing this past year? Last year started out with a big scare, a tumor was found and surgery was scheduled. I told myself then that if all was okay I was going to have a whole new outlook on life. I would no longer just sit back and watch my life pass me by. No, I was going to start living and start creating memories and enjoying each and every day. Well, soon enough all that was forgotten and I fell right back into my comfort zone and comfortable routine. Days turned into months and once again I was missing out on life. I was wasting my days doing nothing and wasting precious time with my daughter. Then came the next big health scare… the headaches and fluid causing pressure on my brain and the talk of brain surgery. That was a real eye opener. I was terrified of surgery, I hated myself for the precious time I had wasted, I wanted nothing more than to be given the chance to once again enjoy my time with my daughter and enjoy life. And once again I was granted that time; my surgery was postponed.
Did I take advantage of this?
Yeah, once again I fell right back to my old ways. Don’t get me wrong, I knew exactly what I was doing and I wasn’t happy about it yet I wasn’t doing anything about it. No, I just allowed everything to take over and make my days unhappy instead of focusing on the good and making my days the best I could. I didn’t look on the bright side, I didn’t get out and enjoy life, I allowed the stress and worry to take over. I wished for days when I didn’t feel so terrible, wished for days I could get out and play with my daughter, but wishing got me no where because I didn’t attempt to do anything. Yes, I felt terrible some days. Surgery was postponed but that didn’t mean the pain went away. I have days that I struggle just to get out of bed, but even on those days I should still try to make the best of the situation. So what if we can’t get out and about, I can sit on the couch and still enjoy time with my daughter.
As the year came to an end and a new one began, I took a big look at everything. I saw the areas in my life I wanted to change and wanted to work on. And this time, I plan to make those changes. I plan to get out more, I plan to enjoy more time with my daughter, I plan to “unplug” more and enjoy life. I told myself that this year will be the year I lose this extra weight and get healthier. Yes, it will be a little more challenging now with my health conditions but those conditions make it even more important to lose the weight and make these big changes. I plan to change the way I blog, I want to go back to blogging about what I enjoy and about my family instead of just posting short, random little reviews. When I started my blog I shared so much, I turned to my blog as a way to express my feelings and talk about what was going on. I made wonderful friends that I could talk to, friends that I enjoyed sharing with. I shared reviews that meant something to me, I shared recipes that I had fun trying out and I shared my craft/DIY experiences… even the ones that didn’t turn out so well. I focused more on life and what was important to me back then… now I feel like I fell into the black hole of just building up my blog, getting the numbers up, creating this space that was what everyone demanded it be and in the process I lost myself, I somewhat lost my voice. I don’t have to be a huge blog, I don’t have to have millions of readers or a huge pagerank to be important. I’m important when I’m being true to myself.
I still have a lot of soul searching to do and lots of changes to be made. I’m going to continue to do what I love, eliminate what makes me unhappy and just love life again. Most important, I’m going to put my daughter, my family first. Instead of hours sitting at the computer ignoring my child and missing her experiences growing up I’m going to turn off the computer and enjoy being mommy. Oh I’ll still be blogging, still share everything and still write the reviews I love but I’m going to put my blog on a schedule, one that is more filled with family than computer. I also want to do more of my crafts/DIY projects, I want to do more with me whether it’s just more creating with what I love or getting a new job or just… something. I don’t know yet. I feel like I’m at a point in life where I’ve lost myself a little, that I’m a wife and a mommy and everything in between but who am I really? What am I doing with myself. I have lots of little ideas but I always push everything aside, those little ideas are what I want to accomplish and maybe it’s time I got around to doing so.
Another reason I haven’t been around? My brain condition causes problems with my train of thought so I often type really random things or lose my train of thought pretty bad. My spelling is also horrendous all of a sudden (as if it wasn’t already!) and it takes twice as long to type a small little paragraph. Maybe you noticed tonight 🙂 I feel like my thoughts are a little jumbled but I have a pretty severe headache and really just want to go lay down. Why I chose to sit here and type this is simply because I’ve been meaning to for several days now. About time I got around to it!
For now… I’m going to go sit and watch Wreck-It Ralph with Abby and attempt a crafty project real quick. Maybe I’ll even remember to take pictures so I can share it over the weekend 😉